Many centuries ago...
... a remarkable family began to practice...
... the magical art of disguise.
Down through the ages they worked in secret...
... protecting the world from evil.
This is their story.
Well, stop her!
This is my son.
Most people thought he sold vacuum cleaners door to door.
But as you can see, there was more to the story.
Where do you think you're going?
Idiot.
This is a mistake. That woman is not Bo Derek!
That was close.
Too close.
I demand to speak to the American Embassy!
Frabbrizio, it's time your son is told of his destiny.
This is no life for my son.
I will never tell him of his true destiny.
Frabbrizio decided to keep the family legacy a secret from his son.
The boy never knew the truth about his urge to disguise himself...
... with anything he could find.
Pistachio, I hope you're not making faces...
...in the mirror with the underwear on the head.
That would be crazy, Papa.
Unless I had the shaving-cream beard to go along with it.
This is my grandson Pistachio. He has always been a little different.
From the beginning, he had impulses he couldn't control.
You slap me, I slap you.
As Pistachio grew up, he couldn't help mimicking people around him.
Add the copper sulfate.
Add just a little bit of luminol.
But he always had a hard time fitting in.
You think you got muscles now? Try this.
Okay.
Why does he have underwear on his head?
What he didn't know was that his true adventure was about to begin.
There's a young lady out here to see you.
For me? Fantastico!
Yes! Yes!
A young lady.
Hey, amico!
There's a girl waiting for me!
Mama!
Ask your nice lady friend to come in, and I'll make you corned beef ravioli.
What a grand idea, Mama!
Oh, my sonny-son, handsome son. Go, go, go.
Naturally, Pistachio wanted to find a girl just like Mama.
Sophia. What an unexpected surprise, love-cake.
- "Love-cake"? - I so enjoyed meeting you last evening.
I know we had some laughs at the bar last night, but you're not my type.
Besides, I have a boyfriend. So don't call me, okay? I gotta go.
Yes.
Something about her reminds me of my mama.
Oh, yes. She will be a great cook.
Papa.
I straighten the menu.
I'm okay. I'm okay.
Excuse, young man.
I notice that you became acquainted with the sidewalk a moment ago.
I'm not a sports kid.
Pistachio, do one of your funny voices and cheer the kid up.
What an excellent idea, Bernardo. Yes, yes.
I do for you now a scene from the hit motion picture Shrek.
You ready? Okay.
Why don't you get away from me, Donkey?
What you talking about, "Get away from you"? I'm making waffles.
Oh, what a cute little puppy.
I see you like my dog. His name is The Cuteness.
I never had a dog.
Well, perhaps your papa will buy you a dog.
I never had a dad.
Papa deficient, yes.
You can play with The Cuteness any time you want.
Let me introduce myself. My name's Pistachio Disguisey.
- My name's Barney Baker. - A pleasure, Barney Baker.
And now, hungry patrons.
Arrivederci!
Moron, use a tray next time. Those are too many plates.
Ah, the new waiter, Rex.
So cute in your inexperience.
Watch and learn, my friend.
Yes, I clean. I clean.
Goodbye, gooey sauce.
Cheese? Yes, I give you cheese. Yes, nice cheese. Yes, cheese.
You like, huh? Oh, yes.
Papa.
And finally, we have fresh, bouncing baby shrimp.
I'll just take the spaghetti.
And do me a favor, buddy. Get me some man-sized meatballs.
Am I going too fast for you?
- You mocking him? - You mocking him?
- You better not be. - You better not be.
- Pistachio, stop it. No mocking. - Pistachio, stop it. No mocking.
Why do you let that little nutball be a waiter?
Listen. You have a problem with my son, then you have a problem with me.
You are not welcome here. You, and you, get out!
Pistachio, what did I tell you?
Yes, I know, Papa. I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself.
- The mocking's getting worse. - Nonsense.
There's so many voices in my head I don't know who I am.
Listen. You are Pistachio Disguisey, and you're a great waiter.
That is one of the voices. Not the loudest one...
No. You are my son, you understand?
And I will always be proud of you.
- We should have gone to Burger King. - Perhaps my destiny is far away.
No, my son. Your destiny is here, okay?
Yes, destiny is here.
But, Papa, don't preach. I'm in trouble deep, and I'm keeping my baby.
- You're what? - What?
Excuse, waiter Rex. What are you doing with your arm around the cake?
The tush queen, what are you doing out here with the oversized Rex?
Look, Pistachios, the silly voices, the making faces...
...it was fun for one second, okay? - Only one second?
I never wanted to go out with youse! I love Rex.
Yeah, got it?
I see. I can take a hint.
The message is coming through loud and clear.
- I gotta get back to work, baby. - Okay.
Goodbye, Pistachios.
Get in the car, huh?
Oh, my little cannoli. You'll make my Pistachio very happy.
Get in the car now! Get him in there!
Let's go!
Ransacked!
Hello? Police? In my home, it is full of ransackery.
Everything different. Where..?
My name is Pistachio. Mama's cannoli is here.
Don't call again.
Mama! Papa!
Heavenly Father, show me a sign. I promise I'll never mock you again.
My family is missing, and I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know...
Can I help you?
- I came to help you, Pistachio. - Help me what?
Find your mother and your father. My son.
My father...
...your son.
Holy cannoli, you are my sister.
You don't have a sister, pea brain. I'm your grandfather.
Yes, that was my next choice.
It's been 23 years. How did you know I needed help?
That and more will be revealed shortly. But for now, let me in. I hunger.
So I come down from the rooftop. I come home.
And there's no Mama, no Papa, just ransackery.
- Did you ask Jeeves? - Yes, but no such luck.
On the roof, did you hear something that sounded like this:
Yes, exactly that!
But without the pain on my face.
We have a clue!
Grandpapa?
- I'm looking for my grandfather. - Grandfather not here.
I'm sorry.
It's me, you idiot!
Amazing. You sound like Grandfather.
Fool! I am your grandfather.
I don't...
Latex rubber.
Yes. It's so soft.
Like a soft, fat baby-bottom face.
This is nothing. I'm rusty!
When I'm on the top of my game, my disguise is seamless!
Yes, without the seams.
And the place is so incredibly clean.
So tidy.
Bravo, Grandpa!
Put a clamp on your pastry hole. I'll give it to you straight.
- You are a Disguisey. - Yes, Pistachio Disguisey.
I'm begging you, curb your yammering skull cave!
Now, throughout history...
...the Disguiseys used their skills as Masters of Disguise...
...for the betterment of mankind.
In Europe, they used their power to catch thieves.
Now I've got it. It's mine.
The statue is alive!
They were the world's first environmentalists.
Sorry, George Washington, no cherry tree for you.
Abraham Lincoln was such a boring speaker...
... that the Disguiseys had to help him get elected president.
If you'll excuse me, I just need a drink of water.
Rough crowd.
Let's party! Hit it, boys!
Vote for me, we'll get funky this year!
This is your legacy, Pistachio.
These are your people, and you are one of them.
But Papa runs a restaurant.
Your father was the world's greatest Master of Disguise.
But Papa runs a restaurant.
This is what you are doing. This is what I want you to do. Any questions?
Your parents, despite my objections...
...insisted on keeping the legacy a secret.
- That's why we haven't spoken in years. - But my papa...
It is time for you to find your father and mother.
You mean, we will find my father and my mother.
- Impossible. Sorry. - But why?
This is the sacred book of the Disguisey way.
Like a Boy Scout handbook?
You cannot compare this book to anything else known to man.
It's a pop-up!
"If a father and mother are missing...
...only a son who has become a Master of Disguise can save them...
...without any direct help from the grandfather."
That's one specific farmer.
- Now I must find your father's nest. - Come again? A "nest"?
Is there a place your father goes to spend time by himself...
...that is dark, that is secretive? - The attic is dark and secretive.
Show me this attic.
So, Grandpa...
...this is the attic.
This is a pretty ordinary attic. There's nothing...
What? What? What? What?
A magic ball.
Behold your father's nest.
Heavens to Betsy.
Yes. I knew he would keep one, just in case.
Yes. Just in case.
Now you'll be a Master of Disguise.
Really? A Master of Disguise?
I'm going to be a Master of Disguise I'm going to be a Master of Disguise
Enough! Your mother and father are in grave danger.
Your training begins...
...now!
Brilliant. You are disguised as a fatty.
What is happening?
I'm getting bigger.
- I got so fat. - Pistachio!
Remember me?
Devlin Bowman?
We both know you were the woman, that night in Palermo.
Because of you, I spent 20 years in prison.
Thanks to a potion in the caramel corn...
...she thinks she's still at home preparing dinner. But we know better.
Don't we?
Oh, my goodness!
Okay, okay. Stop.
We'll have soup today.
You're right. I was Bo Derek that night in Palermo.
- What do you want? - I want you to drop your pizza apron...
...become a Master of Disguise again...
...and help me obtain the world's rarest treasures.
You're a sick man, Bowman.
- Are the teeth in? - Yes.
Good. Here, and here.
There's minimal adhesive spillage. That's not bad.
Good. Now all I have to do is disguise my voice, right?
Open sesame. Open sesame.
Stop that!
Buffoon! Clown! Anyone can put on a disguise and change his voice.
But you said that was the secret power of the Disguiseys.
Not exactly. It's time for you to learn about the invisible energy field...
...that bonds all Disguiseys, past and present.
It is called:
- Energico. - Energico.
When you learn to tap into Energico, you'll access words, skills, ideas...
...that you never dreamed possible.
You'll be able to act and feel like another person.
You will become...
...another person.
Become another person.
But first, you must repeat the mantra:
Become another person.
- "Become another person." Nothing. - Again.
- Become another person. - Repeat.
Become another person. Become another person.
Good. Who are you now?
The question is, who are you?
I'm Prince Lali Jhamba from the Ringy Dingy Heights...
...near Bombay, Calcutta and New Delhi, India. India. India.
It is time to test that.
What is it?
That is a big reptile. Not a problem.
Oh, yes. He wouldn't hurt anybody now.
I'm going to call him Buttercup.
So cute, eh?
Tickle-tickle-tickle-tickle.
Energico.
God help me, I love it.
- Down, boy. - A complete transformation.
You like the cheese. Go get the cheese. You know you love it.
Now, sometimes during your travels, you may be required to defend yourself.
Disguiseys don't believe in hitting with a closed fist.
Always hit with an open hand.
Make your point, but give the man his dignity.
- Dignity. - Observe.
Elbows in, extend.
- Now you try. - Elbow in, extend.
Okay, slappy-dummy man.
Well, I think I've got...
Pistachio, no.
Learn to empty your mind. Allow Energico to flow through you.
- Is there a mantra for the hitting? - No! But to demoralize your opponent...
...repeat the phrase, "Who's your daddy?" in mid-slap.
Watch.
Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?
Thanks for letting me borrow the Constitution.
You're Michael Johnson, the fastest man alive.
- You ready? - Yes, sir, Mr. Johnson.
Go!
Thanks, guys!
You should read this, Bowman.
You might learn something.
I love having a Master of Disguise do my bidding.
That's it.
Have you forgotten something?
My men are ready to pounce on my command.
- No more. Please, stop. - All right, all right.
Okay, so you want to play games?
Let's play games.
Who is your daddy?
I'm your daddy. I'm your daddy. I'm your daddy...
She could be a good wife for you.
Well, am I truly a Master of Disguise now?
Not exactly. You're a level-one apprentice. White belt.
Yes! "Level one." I like the sound of that one.
- How many levels are there? - Seven thousand.
- That's many colored belts. - Yes, you're a rookie.
Listen. It is a Disguisey tradition...
...at this point in time, we hire you an assistant.
An assistant? Yes, I am going to get an assistant.
- I was secretary for Jensen and Loeb... - Get out!
- I beg your pardon? - Out! Now!
Get out.
What are you doing here?
History!
Wrong! Take her away.
Get out. Idiot! Get out!
Freak. Get out!
Freak. Out! Out!
Fifty applicants.
- Fifty losers. - Yes.
Perhaps my destiny does not come with an assistant.
I'm okay. I'm okay.
You too young for this job. Go home and change your diaper. Get out!
I don't wear a diaper.
Pistachio. Come see. There's a talking baby here.
I want to see the talking baby.
Brave Barney, good to see you.
- You know this baby? - Of course.
- I was potty trained when I was 2. - Of course.
You are the conductor of the potty train.
Barney. Is this the place?
I just came from a yoga class. I hope that's okay.
Grandpa, this is Barney and...
- I'm his mom, Jennifer. Hi. - Jennifer. A pleasure, yes.
Sweetie, go practice your ollies, and I'll see you later, okay?
Please, come in.
- Measurements. - Measurements? What for?
- It's for a uniform. - Oh, yeah. Okay.
It's 35-24-34.
- You said 34? - A little bottom.
I don't know if I'm right for this. Barney said you were looking...
I'm sorry, he's only 7. He thinks your name is Pistachio.
That is my name.
Well, that's nice.
So okay. What is the job? What exactly do you guys do?
I am a Master of Disguise. He is also a Master of Disguise.
Technically, he's a level-one apprentice.
"Master of Disguise"? I don't get it.
You got a problem with the word "master," or "disguise"?
Or the word "of"?
Well, what would I have to do?
What does she have to do?
Not so fast. Answer me this first: Do you fold easily under pressure?
What kind of pressure?
- The kind that makes you cry. - Like a little baby in its crib.
- What's it pay? - Pay? Paid in honor, dignity, pride.
Honor, dignity, pride... in its crib.
Actually, I need cash.
This cat has claws.
- Me likey. - Me likey too.
But this cat's got no Mama caboose.
You guys know I can hear you, right?
It pays $417 a week, plus Delta Dental.
- I'll take it. - It's yours. But hear me.
Assistants fall in love with their Disguisey masters.
Can you resist Pistachio?
Yes...
...can you resist me?
So listen to me true, Pistachio.
You are now a level 1.5 apprentice.
Without your help, how will I know what to disguise myself as?
Listen to your Disguisey instincts. Answer these questions for yourself:
Who, why, where, how would they take your mother and father?
Yes. Who, why, where and why?
No, wrong! Who, why, where and how?
Oh, yes. Who, why, what?
- What and what and what and what? - What? Wrong! Who, why, where, how?
- Yes. Who, why, where, how? - That's it! You got it!
Yes! Who, why, where, how?
I say, who, why, where, how?
Yeah, you, employee.
My grandson is still raw. He's unfocused.
When he becomes another person, he may be unpredictable.
About the dental, when Barney and I get stuff done...
...do I pay it, then you reimburse me?
Or do I bill Delta Dental directly? I'm not sure how it works.
You sicken me.
I almost forgot.
- Here is your Nest in a Box. - "Nest in a Box"?
You may need it. It comes with instructions. There is something else.
The Disguisey Ball of Knowledge.
When you are in dire straits and don't know what to do, this will be handy.
- I won't let you down, master. - I hope not.
Disguisey thing comes with a lot of accoutrements.
- So long, master! - Bye-bye.
All right, now. Where to begin our search?
Well, I guess we could look around at the spot your father was taken.
That's your idea? That's it?
To look around at the spot where my father was taken?
Well, that's crazy.
So crazy it just might work.
You know, this could be something.
Please, assistant, don't play in the trash...
...while I am in full father-finding mode.
I dated a guy who used to smoke these.
This cigar's from the Turtle Club. Look at the label.
You want to play games? I'll play games with you.
There we go.
I dated a guy who used to smoke these.
This cigar's from the Turtle Club.
Jennifer, do you remember the thing you once said...
...about the guy you used to date from the Turtle Club?
Yeah.
Yes, my Disguisey instincts are going crazy.
We should pay a visit to this Turtle Club.
It's impossible to get in there. You have to be a member.
You make me laugh.
We'll see what's impossible, my ever-doubtful assistant.
Now, quickly...
...to the nest!
You know, the name the "Turtle Club," it's just a name.
- You're taking it too literally. - Turtle.
May I help you? You a member of the club?
- Not exactly. - Not exactly.
But am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club?
- Is he okay? - He's fine.
He's fine. Turtle.
Turtle.
He's dreamt of this place ever since he was a child.
Do you think we can go in for a moment? We'll be out in five minutes.
- Please. - All right.
Turtle?
- Not turtle? - No.
Turtle? Not turtle.
Could you tell me, do you recognize this?
I recognize that. I made that cigar for Devlin Bowman's private collection.
- Devlin Bowman. - Turtle!
- Is he okay? - He's fine.
- I'm fine. Turtle. - Do you think you can give me...
...an address or phone number for Mr. Bowman?
Are you crazy? I can't give you that information.
No information. What if harm found its way to you?
Terrible turtle harm. Would that change your mind?
- It's time to go into my shell. - No. No, shell.
- Shell time coming. - A name is just fine. Thank you much.
Turtle harm.
The kind of harm that makes you cry out in the night like a little baby.
Hey, baby. Can I buy you a drink?
And maybe some pond water for your friend?
Very funny.
- Turtle! - Where did he go?
I don't really know what to say about what went on back there.
- I know, it was like a dream, but real. - I don't...
Tomorrow we will find out just who this Devlin Bowman is.
- This turtle thing... - Then we'll find Mama and Papa.
If I'm going to work tomorrow...
...I�ll need a lift because my boyfriend has my car.
A boyfriend.
Yes, a boyfriend.
It's getting late. I'm going to go in, okay?
Okay. Good night, my love-cake.
- "Love-cake"? - What?
- You said "love-cake." - Why would I?
- Your hindquarters are scrawny. - What?
What I was trying to say is that...
...I have a present for Barney.
- Give this to him, from his dad? - What?
Da-da-da-dat-Italian guy. Me.
Oh, okay. This is very sweet of you. Kneepads. He can use these.
- Well, thank you. - Nighty-night.
Good night.
Sleepy time, she comes.
Thanks for the Liberty Bell. I'll bring it right back.
And remember, that's an action figure, not a doll.
Sure thing, Governor Ventura. Thanks.
Who'd have thought Governor Ventura...
...would be the perfect disguise to abscond with the Liberty Bell?
Me.
My skills were meant for the betterment of mankind, not for greed and evil.
Please.
You should see your hair.
You've got serious mask-head.
Pistachio, meet my boyfriend, Trent.
There he is. Heard a lot about you, Pistach.
How are you?
I forgot my purse. I'll be right back.
Lay off my lady, you freak.
My, you are a touchy-feely guy, Trent.
Saved by the uncoordinated little brat. Hey, Barn.
Grind that curb, buddy. Yeah!
I'm okay. I'm okay.
What a loser.
- Thanks for the pads. They help. - You'll learn with practice, Barney.
I'll keep trying.
What kind of crap are you putting in his head?
- Niceness? - Niceness? What are you, his dad?
You trying to horn in on my action?
- What? - What?
- You mocking me? - You mocking me?
But I warn you, Trent.
My slap-practice dummy gets quite a workout lately.
You want to fight? See what awaits you?
First watch the feet. So fast.
Look at my hands. Look at them.
Too fast.
Hey, Barn.
Just keep practicing. You'll just be fine, okay?
I'm ready.
How come I can't do it and you can?
Baby, I'll see you after work, okay? Bye.
He is so good with children, huh?
I'm never gonna find anything about this Devlin Bowman guy.
Who's your daddy?
Listen, classmate.com thing.
"To be the world's greatest black marketeer...